All posts by "RhondaRhea"

November 13, 2014

My daughter just gave me a test on Facebook. I got a 67. So it’s official. According to the test, I am:  “67% princess.” I wasn’t even surprised. There’s not much I won’t glitter or bedazzle and I’m all too...

Read More
October 9, 2014

If you want insights into your psyche, try the dishwasher. All you have to do is follow these simple instructions: 1) Leave dishwasher door open. 2) Unwittingly apply shin forcefully to side of the open door. 3) Repeat as...

Read More
September 25, 2014

If hanging onto reality is anything like hanging pictures, mine probably needs to go a little higher and to the right. I know, I know. There are all kinds of tools and methods to make picture-hanging easier. But I think...

Read More
September 2, 2014

Have you ever been in such mortal danger that you saw your life flash before your eyes? I’ve experienced fear, but I guess I’ve never been near enough death to get to see the show. Sometimes I worry a little...

Read More
August 20, 2014

Have I ever mentioned that I have a terrible memory? Maybe I did. Or maybe it slipped my mind. But hey, I remembered to buy all those vitamins that are supposed to help with memory. I’m pretty sure I’ve been...

Read More
August 7, 2014

Have you ever awakened in a morning to find that an entire flock of pink plastic flamingos migrated into your yard in the night? Weird nesting behavior, right? It makes me sound old when I say it, but when I...

Read More
July 27, 2014

Ever had one of those days? I had several in a row. And by “several,” I mean at least 10 years’ worth. They were days of never feeling quite … finished. I would get to the end of the day...

Read More
July 15, 2014

According to the Sammy-cat, there’s no container that’s not worth sitting in. If there’s a bag, box, bowl, bin, basin or bucket that he can reach, there’s an understood “Dibs!” from Sammy as he slowly fills the container with himself....

Read More
June 30, 2014

Maybe I don’t need to tell anyone this, but there are a lot of reasons I’ll never be on Jeopardy. One big one is that I can very reasonably imagine Alex Trebek saying something like, “Please remember to phrase all...

Read More
June 16, 2014

Many people have held out hope that it would never happen again. Yet here it is: I’ve written another poem. Yes, I do know I’m not a poet. Real poets? They feel compelled to write poetry. Me? I write poetry...

Read More
May 24, 2014

“Stare into the pantry.” I ought to just go ahead and write that on my to-do list. You’ve probably heard me whine about it before. I hate it when I realize I’ve been standing, staring and pondering for 15 minutes...

Read More
May 13, 2014

Eating on the healthier side of the food pyramid is a battle for me. My pyramid is much more … shall we say … prismatic. And probably at least a heptagonal prism at that.  I hear I’m not the only...

Read More
May 2, 2014

Big things come in small packages. I think the person who said that sat beside me in my high school geometry class. And even though I was really bad at geometry, I would never copy off that guy’s paper. Because...

Read More
April 13, 2014

I hear if you put a Whitman’s Sampler under your pillow, the cavity fairy will bring you … a $200 invoice from your dentist. If you try it, you should know that while the midnight snacking is awesome, there most...

Read More
March 31, 2014

A woman’s purse. It’s the basic essentials of life … on a shoulder strap. Personally, I never know what surprises mine might hold. Not long ago I was searching for a receipt and – surprise, surprise – I found a...

Read More
March 9, 2014

I always thought I would age gracefully. Nope. One glimpse at the first few wrinkles in the mirror and I knew I was going fighting, kicking and screaming all the way. It’s not exactly aging gracefully, is it, when you...

Read More
February 18, 2014

I know I’ve complained about the state of my refrigerator before, but I’ve found a way to have a better attitude about it. When I get ready to put something in there, I just psych myself up for a challenging...

Read More
February 11, 2014

I confess, my closet is not the tidiest. But all five of my kids were teenagers at about the same time. Nobody knows the closets I’ve seen. I remember deciding at one point that if any of the teens’ closets...

Read More
January 22, 2014

I’m not sure I ever work as hard as I do when I’m trying to get rid of that extra little quarter-inch of poof from the last corner of a fitted sheet. That last little bitty poof! It’s called a...

Read More
December 20, 2013

A lot of my friends have adopted a more active lifestyle and started new workout routines of late. When they all do it at once like that I’m usually shamed into joining them. This time, I’ve decided to do resistance...

Read More
December 12, 2013

You know how I can tell we’re approaching the Christmas season? I find myself thumbing through a catalog. A catalog. Of. Meat. Potted meat. Pickled meat. Fried and dried and – maybe even poached meat. That just takes us to...

Read More
November 22, 2013

Think chocolate is not the answer? Maybe you’re not asking the right questions. Okay, I do know chocolate is not really the answer to all the world’s problems. But it does sort of make a challenge a bit more palatable....

Read More
November 18, 2013

We’ve been talking about getting an invisible fence for the dog. Then I got to thinking, wouldn’t it be cheaper to just get an invisible dog? Immediate reduction in food costs. And the yard cleanup? No comparison. If your invisible...

Read More
November 6, 2013

My workout routine for today: stirred brownie batter. It was really thick brownie batter too. So thick I’m probably going to need a nap. Right after I eat this brownie. I was contemplating being out of shape the other day...

Read More
October 21, 2013

Thrills. Different people find them in different ways, from different places, according to different personalities and various likes, dislikes and individual pain tolerances. Personally, I get a real charge from an all-day trip to the mall. I get a real...

Read More
October 8, 2013

Ice cream is beautiful. I don’t see any reason to scream for it, but I have no problem asking for it—even if I have to get a little loud. Every once in a while I just have to have something...

Read More
October 1, 2013

It was the wasp nest to end all wasp nests. Maybe it was the fruit punch the kids had spilled on the back deck that first attracted them. But by the time we followed the cloud of bugs to the...

Read More
September 4, 2013

People say that to survive a volatile stock market you should have plenty of liquidity. That’s why I’m thinking about investing in water. When you’re investing in water stocks, I wonder if you get to decide whether to buy the...

Read More
June 28, 2013

I was working on a book in a wild fury. My fingers had been flying across the keyboard for the better part of an afternoon. I was in “the zone,” man. The zone is a very happy place for a...

Read More
May 29, 2013

I may look calm on the outside. But on the inside I’m frantically trying to digest ridiculous amounts of complex carbs without storing cellulite. Time to up the metabolism, I’m thinking. Seems the logical fix would be coffee. That’s why...

Read More
May 21, 2013

If we actually follow the “lather, rinse, repeat” instructions on the shampoo bottle, won’t we end up stuck in a shower-time-loop for the rest of our lives? Then again, if we read the directions on a lot of these products,...

Read More
May 8, 2013

How about we all just do this thing together. Let’s simultaneously go to the pantry for something to snack on and stare at a box of instant potatoes for about three minutes. It’s true, decisions can be tough. We make...

Read More
April 30, 2013

A panda walks into a café and orders a sandwich. He eats it, then draws a gun and shoots the other patrons. A surviving waiter, quivering as he looks up from the carnage, asks, “Why?” Before walking out the door,...

Read More
April 21, 2013

There are several reasons I’ll never skydive. I’ll give you my top two. First, I’ve seen videos of people skydiving. Their faces … well … they “flutter.” Wildly. Honestly, I don’t need to see my face flapping violently over my...

Read More
April 15, 2013

People can be funny about seasons. I know a gal who only drinks coffee in the winter. I want to tell her—with entirely too much enthusiasm—it’s a cup of coffee. Not a wool scarf. This is not a “white-shoes-after-Labor-Day” kind...

Read More
April 3, 2013

Anytime you trip in front of your friends, the best thing to do is to just bounce right back up and keep on going. To the airport. And then leave the country. Maybe change your name. Isn’t it a little...

Read More
March 10, 2013

Maybe I mentioned before that I always keep dried fruit in my desk drawer so I’ll have a healthy snack handy when I’m working. Except the fruits are so dry that all that’s left of them is these nacho cheesy...

Read More
March 2, 2013

You know how I usually know I’ve been too busy? I open the refrigerator door and find fur. And then I stand there for several seconds wondering what it used to be. Then I stand there another several seconds wondering...

Read More
February 10, 2013

I burned my right index finger on the toaster the other day. Man, did that smart. It might not have been so bad if I hadn’t kept aggravating it. Do you know how many moves in everyday life require an...

Read More
January 28, 2013

Whenever someone is working really hard to make a solid argument on an issue they’re passionate about, it’s easy to get frustrated. I always advise against trying to turn the argument around with “I’m rubber and you’re glue.” “Says you”...

Read More
December 17, 2012

Glass-half-full person. Glass-half-empty person. I tend to be more of a dribble whatever’s in the glass down my shirt person. It’s always best if I try to coordinate whatever I’m wearing with the meal of the moment. That’s one big...

Read More